Alarming...

There was an alarming issue today. I had some regrets as I realized though I always express things in a pessimistic tone, I may be too optimistic in the root. I must be careful not to be overridden by this optimism. I must remember: what I believe in is not being believed by others, even by the closest ones. I have to think more about how others think rather than thinking how others would probably think. To clarify, all I could do is obviously... to communicate!

More commitments...

I woke up early again, this time 30 minutes later than yesterday, which was around 6:45AM. It's pretty tough to keep up this pace as I'm working everyday till it's almost midnight and I couldn't stop taking a nap on the chairs of the room where the press conference room was going to be held after the Summit meeting...


the summit of ECO... the Economic Cooperation Organization with members from the Middle East and Central Asia... maybe no one in Tokyo cares about this story...

Today, after writing about the story, I was again warned again about my careless mistakes and unsophisticated ways of writing... I was advised that I should read more of my colleagues' writings so I would know more about the expressions we usually use in our stories and of course to get to know more about the news of my area - the international news! Although recently I easily get angered by being scolded, but this time I was more sad than angry.
It's really sorrowful that I'm being told things like a young starter in my field of reporting would. Being someone who did not even know who the President of this country just a year and a half ago, and had not idea how many people were living in this great power of the Middle East, I'm still reading and filing approximately 30 to 50 articles everyday about this country and that takes me hours which makes me end up going to bed much later than midnight. Reading stories that my colleagues write will only probably add another hour to the burden, but I realize that this is another commitment I should use my time on.
These feelings of misery is not unprecedented any more to me as I felt the same years ago when I was tranferred to cover the judicial court. It was miserable when I couldn't work out the regular procedures that all the other reporters covering the stories were doing like an everyday thing. It's frustrating you have to ask simple questions when you've been a reporter for more than a decade. I'm having the same disappointment now saying sorry everyday meaning "sorry (I have to ask this dumb question)", "sorry (I did not do what a normal foreign correspondent will do)", "sorry (I didn't know what a kid in this country would know)", "sorry (you name it sucker!)"
Several years back, it was normal for me to think about quitting this job, because it was sensible to me that why not do a new thing in a different world if I'm being scolded at a place I thought I would have had more of the lead of doing things. It would've much easier to take the criticism when you are starting something you decided to do by yourself. It's really painful to be blasted at a position where you took it because you were told to. I know I had no choice, but what if I were in my last years at the Current Events News Division which would make me in my ninth year there if I had stayed there? I would be taking the lead in making special reports and surely would be taking more responsibility, but with more pride. Look at me now! I'm just a loser doing things that I'm told to do and writing stories because I have to... because I'm the only correspondent here... If I had stayed in Tokyo, I surely would have been transferred to a local station soon and be leading young reporters, teaching them the great aspects of our job... to do new things and tackle new problems that we must be the first to point out... I realize now that doing a completely new thing in the same organization is not easy... especially when you're attacked like a young reporter...

Interested in my nation...

As my staff had such a wonderful time in Japan, I think it's great that the other staff are also being more interested in my native country. I hope when this staff talks to the our other colleagues working in the media world here will hear more of his story and feel more excited about Japan. I really think that many people living in this country should see my nation and see how different it is. I don't know if many of the people here will say the same thing to my countrymen being proud of their native land.
I know Japan is starting to be in turmoil with the unstable state of both politics and economy, but still I think there's a lot of room till everything is spoiled. There's of course so many ways to improve my country and I could even say there's many chances lying around in my country being battered with adversaries.
This country could well be in the same situation. There's so many ways to improve the situation here and visiting countries like mine could help to realize that. Not just for my sake, but for everybody that live here, I hope, from the bottom of my heart, this country develops more and more!

PS
I realize it's exactly one month since the Anniversary of the Revolution! Already!? I also realize it's only a week until I welcome my family to a life together here! In the time of confusion and hardship, time flew by so quickly, but this one month felt even faster! I hope the remaining days here goes by quickly too... but that will make me reach the age where I really have to think about how I would like to spend time enjoying life... the "arafour" (="around fourty") stage!

PPS
In the morning I went to see the Assembly of Experts, another powerful organization in the political world...

the Assembly...


we took the taxi with a price meter!
maybe we'll see more of these in the future!

Belonging to an organization

Last night, for first time ever, I thought about a future being a freelance. I really don't see a future in my organization as I always have to take orders and feel disgusted at being just a servant. Until a year ago, of course I thought of even quitting this occupation and look for other ways of living, especially by halting my reckless driving in life, seriously attacked by the voices of regrets like "why am I doing this?" and "why did I take this job?".
But thinking twice, I'm also starting to think that it's not the job that I made a mistake to take, but the path. I've never thought about journalism at all, and I don't even know any of these "celebrity" journalists who are winning support with the freelance work that they have done. I have no passion to be a famous writer or reporter as it would be better to be able to tell the story without the presense of myself on the screen, as there will always be an effect showing yourself catching attention to the reporter and not the story.
I've always have been proud of working in my organization, because I believe being a freelance writer or reporter, you have to use some sensationalism or maybe even some dramatization to get some article space or broadcasting time which is necessary for work and therefore, compensation.
I don't know if I'm getting enough financial salary, but that's nothing of importance if I'm able to live an average life, but it's rather if I'm happy about what I'm doing. I was happy before that the best reward for me was when I was told, especially from people I've covered, that I have done a great job to help them. I would probably break down crying with deep emotion if I could have saved someone's life with what I've reported.
Working here, I don't see anything that would lead to such emotions. The more I do my work, I feel I'm just filling the news and I'm doing this because I have to. Boring isn't it!? I'm sure there are people who would want to work as a foreign correspondent to feel the fame and become the showman. I have no interests at all in that aspect of working in this position, as rather a stoic, low profile, coverage full of professionalism is an art I've always wanted to acquire.
I'm not confident at all about what I'm doing here, especially about these political reports which I have no passion at all to make and I really have to think of the coverage I would be able to get a hand on after June, when we will have the Presidential Election, or I will really find it hard to continue working here!

We were working at full force today too... a precious Friday... I couldn't stand sleeping on the sofa last night at around 1AM and when I woke up it was nearly 3AM! I quickly wrote some e-mails and went to bed around 3:30AM... it was very tough to wake up before 9AM, but I had to... oh, I'm going to sleep like crazy after 2 weeks!

It's not my style...

When I received a phone call from Tokyo and was asked whether I'm doing fine, I immediately said "no".
You know. I always want to say "yes, I'm doing fine" to that question. But I'm not in that mood any more and I think no one can probably persuade me to be optimistic. I think the time I'm smiling has diminished significantly and to be honest... that's not my style! I hate to be seen as a somber spoilt soul and would rather want to help others smile. Writing too many stories that I really have no enthusiasm about but rather from responsibilty has maybe is becoming a crucial factor more than ever. I did have the same experience when I had to cover so many events mostly because I had to when I was covering the court of justice. The last months seriously covering the air pollution lawsuit may have saved my career as a correspondent, but I'm sure I really don't see what will save me this time. Am I trying to run away from reality? I surely don't want to kill myself or ruin my life by commiting a crime. So what's the best cure? I don't know... I just have to bear till I find the answer!

PS
It's at least a happy event when...

I open the rice cooker for the first time after you hear it's ready!

The momentum

I saw the highlight of the Monday Night Football match between my favorite 49ers and the wobbly Cardinals on CNN International, and I saw they were just one yard short of a victory with the interim coach in his second game. Just looking at the conclusion, it's easy to blame any stupid mistake the team had made would have changed the winner. I really doubt that. If it weren't for the crisis mode in the red zone, under the less than a minute situation, it probably didn't become a one yard game, and if they had more time to execute the last play, I'm sure they would've made another mistake like commiting a penalty. It's the same situation for the Tigers who gave up a 13 game lead in the pennant race and handing the throne to the greedy but ambitious Giants, but if they didn't have that crazily overpowering lead, the Tigers probably would have had a different outcome, perhaps even winning the pennant much earlier. The 2cm win by Vodka at the Emperor's Cup is another example. With Daiwa Scarlet returning from a seven month rest, Vodka was ready to run after losing the race three weeks before running the race as the forth runner but losing only by inches to a horse without much pressure.
All of these results were altered by the momentum. Once the spirit is lost, the result will never be positive, but once you find the magical touch you will overcome the great wall literally by inches.
It was the Cardinals that still holds the momentum winning four in a row at home and the 49ers losing six games in a row. Even if the undefeated Titans are winning 9 in a row, if they lose the last game of the regular season, I doubt that they would even make it to the Super Bowl. They'd rather lose one soon and win the rest. Then I'm sure they'll win until the end.
Now I don't have the momentum. Right now nothing seems to be going in the right direction and I can't find the spirit that will get me rolling again; that would give me a natural smile when I interact with anyone.
I want the momentum again so I can feel comfortable and awaken the magic inside me. I really don't need any overwhelming power. I just want the confidence that will give me the last inch I need to succeed!

The Dark Ages...

It's known that the Dark Ages in Europe was from 476BC to 1000AD, but for me it may well be these few years... and especially today.

Each day I get so many words of congratulations and encouragement from my colleagues and friends...
It's too late for me to even think about what I really wanted and if this was my dream.
I never will say I'm an optimistic person, but it's so natural for me to view that humans are good in nature. So I just can't help myself believing in the innate goodness of man. (性善説 in Japanese and Chinese) which started in China just before the Dark Ages in Europe by Confucius and suceeded by Mencius...
If the internet was there two and a half centuries ago and anything happening in China was disseminated to the West, I wouldn't think the Dark Ages would have come in Europe and the Middle East would have better off without all the history of invasion and aggression, though Europe could have well been a country named something like Roma.

Believing in the goodness of man, my mental conflict started the istant I left the disaster section, where people believing in good were killed by natural causes and I just couldn't resist seeing that happening and it was easy for me to work the hardest I can to prevent such dangers by informing people about the great risks we face. After my transfer to the justice court press club two years ago, and to the International News Division last year, my beliefs are always in jeopardy.
Should I have said NO when I was told that I might have to do things that I really didn't want to do any more? So many colleagues and friends have encouraged and supported me with these new jobs, but should I have betrayed them?
I don't know... I just don't...

Some of the phone calls I get and some of the phone calls I have to do are really bitter and painful... I will let nothihg of these hardsihps take my life away, but I sincerely believe the goodness in mankind will someday save me...

Better not to change than CHANGE?

Shinjuku late at night...
Tokyo is one of the cities that I suggest you watch the night view from any high building.
But I've noticed that even a never sleeping city starts to wither at time over midnights. I'll try to show you a better view of the same buildings but there's no doubt that the lights are off than before midnight. I'll try to get a better picture to prove my point.
There were lots to report today... Briefly... The notorius (I'm sorry... no offense) NHK had more troubles as payments sank more than I've reported before. Where's the end to all of this I just don't know... The soccer team "Nippon" is still on roll as they shutted out the Syrian nationals as well as they did against Kazhakstan, getting ready for a noteworthy match against North Korea on the 9th of February. Prez Bush. of the empire striking back (no offense at all...) stated his State of Union address following his inaugural address. Belligerent on his first statement, buoyant on his second, as the NY Times had put it. Also stressed as the luckiest politician on earth. Sorry NY Times, maybe PM Koizumi of Japan can compete which is luckier...
Tokyo stays the same. Do we all want to change, or maybe not. Only time will tell...

Trying my best

revival or destruction?
Start of a new week after a horrible day off.
Before I go to my office I see scenes which now no one pays attention to. Shinjuku, one of many populated centers of business in Tokyo, is already filled with gigantic mega-buildings. But still redevelopment plans are executed everyday. In the northern area of Shinjuku, another apartment was torn down. After ten years, I probably won't recognize this area. With a threat of a great earthquake, I can't object entirely to these plans but it makes me a little sentimental. Old things will someday find its way to the ground. I still think I'm one of the new ones. Won't forget the elders have plowed for us. So why not make a better world!?

タイトル：一生懸命やってるよ

写真：再生なのか破壊なのか。

　ひどい休日の後で始まる新たな一週間。
　通勤するときは誰も興味を持たない風景をたくさん見る。新宿は東京の中でも過密なビジネスの中心で、すでにかなり巨大なビルで埋まっている。でも再開発 計画が連日進められている。新宿北部ではまた一つのアパートがつぶされた。十年後にはここら辺を見てもどこにいるのか分からないぐらいになるんだろう。大 地震の恐れがある中、こういう計画が進むことに依存はないけど、少し感傷的になる。古いものはいつかは土に帰る。自分はまだ新しい方の人間だ。先輩たちが 耕してきてくれたことは無駄にしない。だからこそ、もっと良い世界を作っていけるんじゃないだろうか！？

(today's word)
elders　先輩たち
　年長者という意味で、先輩後輩の先輩というより、
　上の世代の人たちというイメージの言葉。
　日本でよく使う「先輩」や「後輩」というのも
　英語に訳しにくい言葉。
　使うなら、seniorやjuniorを使うしかないかな。