Back to normalities!

I was happy that the fasting was over and now I can openly drink and eat in front of my staff!

having coffee on my desk in the morning! back to normal!


having lunch at my office! I was too full with a double cheeseburger and fries! belch!
back to normal!

And more important... I also wanted to celebrate my staff's birthday which came right in the middle of Ramazan and we couldn't buy a nice cake for him...

celebrating with a nice birthday cake weeks later from his birthday!

Ramazan was very stressful even though I'm not a Muslim as I always tried to be careful not to cross over the line to frustrate the fasters, including my staff. Anyone who is fasting would surely not like someone drinking fresh water right in front of you as non-smokers hate to have someone smoke right into their faces. Well, the anxiety is over and I can enjoy eating and drinking more than ever!

PS
Summertime is over and we had to rewind the clock one hour back! I have to wake up at five tomorrow and this one hour would really help!


one hour back at 24 o'clock tonight!

About me... after eight years...

It's already eight years from the day that changed the world. On that day, I was covering the typhoon that hit Japan at the press club of the Meteorological Agency in Tokyo and was shocked to see live on our news channel, the pictures of the twin towers being hit by passenger planes. The world changed drastically, and though I was able to cover the news going to New York shortly after the breaking news, but I was rather satisfied with the course of my career I had chosen to continue on domestically. There were so many things to learn to be a pertinent reporter, looking for news that I wanted to report on.
After eight years, I'm not satisfied at all with my position and writing about dark and sad news about things that have no vision of happiness is so discouraging. After the news that changed the world eight years ago, I think many pieces of news are discouraging, and only a firm sense of mission or ambitions of being on the center of attention could make the correspondents continue their tasks of covering such discouraging news. I lack both characteristics and my mission still is to cover pieces of news which would not get any attention if I had not bothered to do so. That's what I think we should try to put our efforts into and being a correspondent here, I feel I'm going further away from my mission...

An empty day...

There was an announcement that the proposal about solving the long debated issue would be handed in tomorrow and today I just went through the past documents and prepared my radio report that I will record tomorrow morning.
Not having a rough day, especially in the middle of Ramadan, is not bad, but nothing really makes me smile these days and I rather see it as an empty day where many would try to attack me, I've wasted another day. I'm getting really pessimistic... probably coming from depression...

PS
At least my wife made me smile...

getting me a nice melon for dessert!

It's been a while...

The press conference that was postponed was held today and I went to the President's office complex for the first time in months. I was only thinking of filing a story, but I was told that I should send a report. I was snapped at by my unreadiness and just as yesterday, I was falling into the negative mindset and tried my best just to get it over with!
I really want to cover some story that would make the viewers smile naturally but that's one of the hardest task to accomplish here...


here we go!

Receiving orders...

Once again, after receiving orders, I decided to write about something I really don't care about. I can't blame anyone, because it was coming from my weakness that I asked for advice and since I did ask... there was no way but to follow the advice...
I'm not a confident correspondent, as many decisions I made were not correct and I really hope someone who would be confident enough to take over my position would stand up and raise his or her voice. I'd happily recommend to take the post!
Though my motivation is at the lowest level, I have to commit myself to accomplish the required work. It's my fault I didn't say I don't want to be here, but who would have known it's one of the worst spots to work as a correspondent!?

Alarming...

There was an alarming issue today. I had some regrets as I realized though I always express things in a pessimistic tone, I may be too optimistic in the root. I must be careful not to be overridden by this optimism. I must remember: what I believe in is not being believed by others, even by the closest ones. I have to think more about how others think rather than thinking how others would probably think. To clarify, all I could do is obviously... to communicate!

Out in the cold

Clouds were surrounding the city... predicting a rough day coming up!


It was an important day for politics in this country as the deliberations of the President's choice for his cabinet started in the Parliament. But for the international community, the more influential issue is the historical event taking place in my native country. The opposition is calling it a "revolution" and surely with the reports coming in, the expression fits perfectly.
Sadly, I'm left out in the cold this time from this decisive election for the future of my country. I remember I voted for the opposition last time though the government side had won it in a landslide. This time I wasn't even able to vote as I didn't hand in the necessary papers to be registered. Looking at the news that the opposition has won more 300 seats in the lower house completing its "revolution", I should have been dancing around, but it's makes me more sad that I couldn't participate in the coverage of such an exciting event.


it was news for the Iranian media too!
(from Press TV)

(7PM news on IRIB Channel 1)


watching internet sights along with JSTV broadcasting the special coverage from Tokyo...

Anyways, the true battle has not ended today, it's actually going to be a rough ride for the new government, as there are so many inexperienced people on the roster and incompetence will not be an excuse to handle grave issues in the middle of an economic turmoil and major decisions in foreign policy coming up. I'm sure they're not treading in air at this early stage, but they must realize they're walking on a very rough minefield. The laid mines are the same element that has taken them to power... the people... they will be watching very carefully... if the expectations are not fulfilled, the people... with the help of the media... will crush this victory, just like they have done with LDP's last landslide victory only four years ago!

A fresh week...

Three weeks have passed after the ugly developments unfolded... I'm sure it's not going to be a stable week, but at least it's a start of another one. I'm so tired that now, even sleeping for more than 8 hours seems not to help at all!
My staff, except one of them, are taking days off by turns and I've also asked an assistant to come part time for help. It's too bad, no one can take my position so I could take some days off... It's really sad to know that's the position I took and as long as it's impossible to let anyone get a visa to enter this nation, I will just have to work until my batteries run out!

PS
A nice dinner!

oinari san!

Being a manager...

Why did I become a reporter? The depressive state that I'm in right now, makes me think about many things. I know if I complain about the situation I'm in today, everybody will say they're envious that I'm in the middle of a historical event. I surely am... watching everything on YouTube and Iranian state TV. What a great witness of history I am!
I'm also asked to be a great manager to run a bureau, but each time I find out the cruelty of being a manager, I find it a great burden that I have to be one. One small issue that makes me feel malicious or powerless working under an organization, I feel I'd rather take the burden being a manager for a company that I own myself and take all the responsibilities myself. Going bankrupt or not would directly be my fault, but I'd take the responsibility. Here I'm just a middleman but told to be a good manager! I didn't become a reporter to become a good manager!
Working in Tokyo, in the social news division, I was starting to feel a pull of some sort that I was becoming a reporter that I've wanted, though I had many complications at that time too to find out a solution for doing all the work I really didn't want to. I was finally sensing that I was doing the job I've always wanted to... pointing out the problems that our society had and reporting to make things better. I know I wasn't going to be some award winning journalist, but I was finally starting to be what a humble reporter should be.
I don't care at all showing my face on TV or being a celebrity... it's the last thing I want before death... it could help to show I'm doing fine to my worried parents in Japan, but it surely would be much better for them if I can show up directly! So please, I don't give a damn about exposure... let me do the job that I was finally starting to get a hold of... please...

PS
I had a major headache again today... I decided to stop working and go to bed early... I hope no one will call me saying "Are you going to write about what's written on Reuters? AFP and AP also..." oh... shut up please!

PPS

The SMS service seemed to have recovered... but there were still some malfunctions...

I hate this!!

Today, the missle, which the North Koreans say is a satellite, flew over the skies of Japan and I found out about it after I woke up... I tried to follow up on reactions here, but there wasn't any significant ones...

okay... they shot it...

I also had to get information about some future stories so I could e-mail the info to Tokyo before tomorrow morning which will be the start of the weekdays in Tokyo.

These things I do all the time, but the most important thing that was taking all of my mind today was making papers about my staff's salary... I've already talked to my staff and they of course all want a raise. With the 24% inflation being the latest figure (the true number seems to be near the 30% mark, but there's no papers that I can show to the folks in Tokyo...), they all want something near that, but Tokyo will never grant such a big raise! I'm sure they will say I have to negotiate and convince them to take less than 10%, or even near the 5% mark... There's a 10-15% difference! How can I negotiate!!

I really hate doing this and I decided to become a reporter/correspondent of an organization and not a business person and even a manager so I wouldn't have to negotiate about salaries! I can't take my mind off, and I really pray that this will not derange my mental state, as I already feel some nervous depression coming around the corner... Oh, I really hate this!!

More commitments...

I woke up early again, this time 30 minutes later than yesterday, which was around 6:45AM. It's pretty tough to keep up this pace as I'm working everyday till it's almost midnight and I couldn't stop taking a nap on the chairs of the room where the press conference room was going to be held after the Summit meeting...


the summit of ECO... the Economic Cooperation Organization with members from the Middle East and Central Asia... maybe no one in Tokyo cares about this story...

Today, after writing about the story, I was again warned again about my careless mistakes and unsophisticated ways of writing... I was advised that I should read more of my colleagues' writings so I would know more about the expressions we usually use in our stories and of course to get to know more about the news of my area - the international news! Although recently I easily get angered by being scolded, but this time I was more sad than angry.
It's really sorrowful that I'm being told things like a young starter in my field of reporting would. Being someone who did not even know who the President of this country just a year and a half ago, and had not idea how many people were living in this great power of the Middle East, I'm still reading and filing approximately 30 to 50 articles everyday about this country and that takes me hours which makes me end up going to bed much later than midnight. Reading stories that my colleagues write will only probably add another hour to the burden, but I realize that this is another commitment I should use my time on.
These feelings of misery is not unprecedented any more to me as I felt the same years ago when I was tranferred to cover the judicial court. It was miserable when I couldn't work out the regular procedures that all the other reporters covering the stories were doing like an everyday thing. It's frustrating you have to ask simple questions when you've been a reporter for more than a decade. I'm having the same disappointment now saying sorry everyday meaning "sorry (I have to ask this dumb question)", "sorry (I did not do what a normal foreign correspondent will do)", "sorry (I didn't know what a kid in this country would know)", "sorry (you name it sucker!)"
Several years back, it was normal for me to think about quitting this job, because it was sensible to me that why not do a new thing in a different world if I'm being scolded at a place I thought I would have had more of the lead of doing things. It would've much easier to take the criticism when you are starting something you decided to do by yourself. It's really painful to be blasted at a position where you took it because you were told to. I know I had no choice, but what if I were in my last years at the Current Events News Division which would make me in my ninth year there if I had stayed there? I would be taking the lead in making special reports and surely would be taking more responsibility, but with more pride. Look at me now! I'm just a loser doing things that I'm told to do and writing stories because I have to... because I'm the only correspondent here... If I had stayed in Tokyo, I surely would have been transferred to a local station soon and be leading young reporters, teaching them the great aspects of our job... to do new things and tackle new problems that we must be the first to point out... I realize now that doing a completely new thing in the same organization is not easy... especially when you're attacked like a young reporter...

Still very tired... very...

I woke up in the morning as it is a habit to wake up around 8AM, but after checking my e-mails finding no important messages, I went right back to sleep. I finally woke up before noon time, and after fighting a little with my computer, I couldn't resist going to bed again... I was still very tired after sleeping another two hours. I don't understand why, but I would like to get rid of this drowsiness and maybe taking a vacation leaving this place for a while would help, but I'd rather like to go with my wife after she arrives here next month. Unlike many others, travelling alone is very boring for me and it would be really stressful if I wander anyplace alone...
After talking to her in the afternoon, we could not resolve our case about when and where we should go as we had no clue when the authorities of this nation will grant her a multiple visa... This is the major problem we are facing and we might have the answer tomorrow. Sadly it might be too late because surely all the flights would be booked with many Iranians fleeing the country for vacation... A very tough situation here!

In the nighttime, I fought with the piles of newspapers I hadn't reorganized for months... some papers were old as last October's and it took me three hours just to pigeonhole two piles of them... oh I'll do the other pile tomorrow... I'm so tired...


a pile of papers to fight with!

And I probably woke up like this!

fwaaah...

Alone...

Alone on Valentine's Day... Oh yes, my colleagues were here until the working hours were over, but they left as there was no reason to keep them for overtime work as it was a really peaceful day. I'm sure everybody wants to rest as the Revolution frenzy is over.
I looked at the garden and was shocked that our housekeeper had trimmed all the plants including the rose plant that had fostered two blooming flowers...


oh... the plants are all trimmed...


oh no... where did they go!?


oh... there you are... poor thing...


just like me... is it over? and where is your partner?


oh... there you are... poor thing...


you couldn't bloom before falling... very sad...

I was casting a reflection of myself on the yellow flower waiting for the latter one to catch up... now they're both dead... Oh well, I just have to believe they sacrificed their lives for me... Rest in peace!

PS
Another song... a very famous one!

Heart - Alone


http://www.mp3tube.net/musics/Heart-Alone/109726/



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxfdDrKO8uM

Alone
by Heart (1987)

I hear the ticking of the clock
I'm lying here the room's pitch dark
I wonder where you are tonight
No answer on the telephone
And the night goes by so very slow
Oh I hope that it won't end though
Alone

Till now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone

You don't know how long I have wanted
to touch your lips and hold you tight, oh
You don't know how long I have waited
and I was gonna to tell you tonight
But the secret is still my own
and my love for you is still unknown
Alone

Till now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone

How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone

Alone
Alone

Mounting worries...

Oh please, why can't I smile feeling satisfied I've spent a great day. Each time I find out the day is over, I'm sighing. I really don't want to show how depressing it is to be in this position to my collegues and my staff, but I don't have the composure to be smiling!
I tried to do anything I can to change my mood... I cut my hair, I asked my staff to buy some cakes, and I took some time to watch the rose in the garden... still, my mood is very bad as mounting worries is squeezing my heart!


looking at the roses to cheer me up...

Dreadful...

The week started with a mistake... I went to an event which I thought would be a worthwhile ceremony to cover, but I arrived at the scene, I realized it was nothing close to what I was expecting... This kind of letdown is an everyday thing here, but it's really disappointing when it happens when you're running out of time... Oh, this is really killing me!
There was no progress as I had anticipated... I'm getting desperate, and should I thank God that I can't drown myself with drinks!
Tomorrow a correspondent from Tokyo will arrive for help... I hope he will become our messenger of good luck! I really do!

Today I noticed in the garden...


a single flower in blossom... in this cold winter...


it really encouraged me... yes... I want to be like this beautiful flower standing strong in adversity!

PS
It's the 14th anniversary of the earthquake that hit Kobe... each year it reminds me of how I've come a long way... I was hoping to be spending a happy career as a good reporter to cover stories that would help people and even Inshallah save the lives of people... but look at me today... I'm not even close to that! Why am I here now covering things I really don't care about!? I don't know... I really don't know... Please God, show me the right path I should head to... please...

Great stress...

Today, I felt how deep the stress has accumulated inside me affecting dearly my mental state. I realized today I couldn't laugh from the bottom of my heart and I even felt irritated by some of the things my staff were innocently saying. It becomes more stressful when I realize I really don't want to be such a character but there's no way to help it but let the dark side control me...
I know I won't be able to fight off the stress so easily in this working environment where there's no escape routes from perfection and it's always the personal responsibility that ultimately prevails. Sadly, I'm just not strong enough to say work is just work and it shouldn't make it control my whole life. I really don't want to be neglectful, but what can I do? Who will understand my pains?

Today, we had a press conference by the President. It was the first time in four months to attend a lengthy one (a total of two hours this time), but it was mostly about his words of condemnation to the Zionists. We didn't know the UN building in Gaza was attacked by the Israelis at the time of the press conference and if we had known I'm sure the conference had heated up more!

For lunch...


we had some homemade (actually officemade) food!


the soup was tasty... adding nun to it...


but the second dish was quite sour and bitter for me as they smashed some lemon without taking out the rind..

I couldn't say it was tasty... I should have... whenever you have someone's dish you should... oh, I really hate myself today!

A month to go!

The first and challenging goal is just a month away... I really don't care how Tokyo will evaluate my work and it's perfectly fine if they flunk me as a foreign correspondent, but I don't want to be disappointed about myself. Although there could be many ways to dodge criticism from the organization I work for, there's no way to cheat myself about how hard I have tried to get the best outcome. I've tried my best today and though it may not satisfy my bosses or my staff, that's all it counts for me. I've done my best.

It was my fourth trip to Qom and today it was cloudy and cold from the beginning. It started to rain a little in the afternoon and though it was gloomy, I had to believe strongly it would be a nice day for me. Though whatever the religion it may be, to be in one of the religious centers makes me humble and remind myself not to be greedy. Here again the keyword will be Inshallah!

Pics of the day...


it started to rain in the afternoon...


various of Qom with mosques...


another mosques... you can see tons of mosques here!


lunchtime!


the restaurant was called... "One Thousand and One Nights"! interesting!


the moon was starting to appear when we got to the rest area...


this time having a Mochaccino!


the souvenirs this time... not Qom's specialties but nice to munch on!

Happy New (Gregorian) Year!

Yeap! It's not New Year's Day here in Iran, but most of my friends and all members of my family are enjoying the New Year's Day somewhere in Japan and the U.S. so why not celebrate myself too!
Sadly when I woke up it was dark and rain was falling which was continuing from last night.


it stinks when it's raining when you wake up and you were hoping to spend a nice day!

But to cheer up, I had a plan...

let's have some cake!


we celebrated in our office!

It was surprising that as I tried to enjoy the day, the sky started to clear up and there were even sunshine in the afternoon!

the drops of water on the plants were shining...

And the rivals were ready to meet!

the awaiting champ...


and the challenger...

Looking up at the sun... and also thinking about my sun... I learned something today...
It's the spirit that makes the day better! It's not what the day is offering you, but rather what I can offer the day!
From today, I'm going to try to be more optimistic, how challenging the trouble I confront would be, as I can change my future with my own actions and the faith I would have to my ability!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!
LET'S HAVE A GREAT YEAR TOGETHER!!

"Too kindhearted"

It was maybe what I really didn't want to hear. Talking to an experienced lady who knows a lot about our organization, she pointed out that I was too kind to my staff and it is important that I become more strict.
I'm not that kind of person to be easily angered and say hard things to anyone as that's just my characteristic. I always think someone who easily gets angry is someone who is weak and someone who is hard on people is someone who doesn't know about himself and could be ignored unless he is the almighty God who I also believe would be a kindhearted existence.
But maybe I'm wrong. I'm probably scared to be loathed and I always try to avoid quarrels. Maybe I just want to look good and be seen as a nice guy. It's true that a manager can't be such a kindhearted which could in a bad way look weak and I must become a strict leader in many occasions especially when we have such a heavy load of work like now.
All I could do is curse the people who put me in this position and though it was my priority in life to avoid being promoted to be in that state, how could I have guessed that I would be in this kind of managing position so early in my life!? Sadly I don't have any charisma to get through without changing my character.
This stress will continue for a while and I'm sure my hair will become all white when I finish this position and that would make me look even more kindhearted!


PS

having some fish for lunch... not bad once in a while!
especially with some soy sauce!

Facing the test of time

I woke up early just to see if there were any e-mails suggesting I should start early, but it seemed to be fine. But that was the trap and I had a call at around 9AM and I noticed again difficult it is to take a day off on Fridays.
Well honestly, I had no intention of taking today off, and I'm not that stupid to finally realize that it will be impossible to take a day off here in Iran, as the weekdays start on Saturdays and the only holiday of the week, Friday is the last weekday of my home country.
My health is deteriorating and I seriously have to find a way to rest my body. It's also crucial that my mental state is also in jeopardy with too many requests levying on me and I really don't have a clue if I can correctly reply to them.
My colleague and also a friend in Japan has voiced concern about my condition, but I'm sure I wouldn't want to have a nervous breakdown myself and I just have to see if things will improve. It's a long way to go, and I'm sure it will. I'm sure. I'm just facing the test of time and it's up to me if I'm going to fight it off or be defeated to the ground.

Well at least today, I'll try to sleep an hour or two earlier than usual!

PS
Having some "magical liquid" today which I can't show the picture of...
And I just can't stop...

eating these! I heard some of these candies were recalled in Japan, but it's not this type of packaged ones!